If for solitude you feel a partiality, If you chance to be unsociably inclined, If ( like other men of British nationality ) You abominate the presence of your kind;
If you take your pleasures glumly And delight in dining dumbly, And if table-talk's a thing you nearly die of; If you look with detestation
Upon Gen'ral Conversation, Then the Garrick is a club you should fight shy of! If you hunger for companionship and jollity, If you much prefer to chatter while you eat,
If you condescend at moments to frivolity, And will fraternise with any one you meet; If your interest is chronic In the art called histrionic,
If your passion for the drama's hot and strong, too; If you welcome its professors Telling tales about their‘ dressers,’ Then the Garrick is a club you should belong to!
If you come here ( say ) at supper-time on Saturdays, You will meet with all the patrons of the stage ( Though the place is not so popular, these latter days, As it was before‘ week-ends’ became the rage ).
Here each notable‘ first-nighter,’ Critic, journalist, and writer, Sprinkles pepper on this club's especial oyster, And you hear a well-known jurist
Or some literary purist Telling anecdotes unsuited to the cloister! Here you'll notice, too, a perfect portrait-gallery Of those mummers who immortal have become,
Though they earned, no doubt, a less prodigious salary Than the moderns who more lucratively mum. On these walls they all assemble, Garrick, Matthews, Irving, Kemble,
Men who knew what the traditions of the stage meant, In the days when ev'ry mummer Wore a sealskin coat in summer And would scorn a common music-hall engagement!
‘ Tis a club for ev'ry section of the laity, Where the Services, the Press, the Bench, the Bar, Find delight in S-m-r H-cks's verbal gaiety And the anecdotal wit of C-m-ns C-rr.
Here the members who are crafty Seek a seat that is n't draughty — In the anteroom or lounge you may discern‘ em — And postprandially cluster,
Gaining dignity and lustre From the presence of a B-ncr-ft and a B-rnh-m!
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