PRELUDE

I have no knowledge of disease, No notion what ill-health may be, Since Housemaid's Throat and Smoker's Knees Mean something different to me

To what they do to other folk. ( This is, I vow, no vulgar joke. ) Of course, when young, I had complaints, And little childish accidents;

For twice I ate a box of paints, And once I swallowed eighteen pence. ( N. B., I missed the paints a lot, But got the coins back on the spot. )

But no practitioner has seen My tongue since then, down to the present, And I, alas! have never been An interesting convalescent.

Ah! why am I alone denied The Humour of a weak inside? Why is it? I will tell you why; A certain mixture is to blame.

One day for fun I chanced to try A bottle of — what is the name? That thing they advertise a lot,— ( Oh, what a memory I've got! )

It's stuff you must, of course, have seen, Retailed in bottles, tins, or pots, In cakes or little pills, I mean — ( Oh goodness me! I've bought such lots,

That I am really much to blame For not remembering the name! ) Still, let me recommend a keg ( With maker's name, be sure, above it ),

‘ Tis sweeter than a new-mown egg, And village idiots simply love it; Old persons sit and scream for it,— I do so hope you'll try a bit!

So efficacious is this stuff, Its virtue and its strength are such, One single bottle is enough,— In fact, at times,‘ tis far too much.

( The patient dies in frightful pain, Or else survives, and tries again. ) An aunt of mine felt anyhow, All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits,

Had freckles badly too; but now She does n't have a thing but fits. She's just as strong as any horse,— Tho’ still an invalid, of course.

I had an uncle, too, that way, His health was in a dreadful plight; Would often spend a sleepless day, And lie unconscious half the night.

He took two bottles, large and small, And now — he has no health at all! The Moral plainly bids you buy This stuff, whose name I have forgotten;

You wo n't regret it, if you try — ( My memory is simply rotten! ) My funds will profit, in addition, Since I enjoy a small commission!