Though, to the ordinary mind, The weight of marriage ties is such That many mere, male, mortals find One wife enough,— if not too much;
I see no no reason to abuse A person holding other views. Though most of us, at any rate, Have not acquired the plural habits,
Which we are apt to delegate To Eastern potentates,— or rabbits; We should regard with open mind The more uxoriously inclined.
In Salt Lake City dwells a man Who deems monogamy a myth; ( One of that too prolific clan Which glories in the name of Smith );
A “Prophet, Seer, and Revelator,” With the appearance of a waiter. This hoary patriarch contrives To thrive in manner most bewild'rin’,
With close on half a dozen wives, And nearly half a hundred children; And views with unaffrighted eyes The burden of domestic ties.
To him all spouses seem the same — Each one a model of the Graces; He knows his children all by name, But cannot recollect their faces;
A minor point, since, I suppose, Each one has got its popper's nose! They are denied to me and you: Such old-world luxuries as his,
When, after work, he hastens to The bosoms of his families ( Each offspring joining with the others In, “What is Home without five Mothers?” ).
Such strange surroundings would retard Most ordinary men's digestions; Five ladies all conversing hard, And fifty children asking questions!
Besides ( the tragic final straw ), Five se-pa-rate mamas-in-law! What difficulties there must be To find a telescopic mansion;
For each successive family The space sufficient for expansion. ( “But that,” said Kipling, in his glory — “But that is quite another storey!” )
The sailor who, from lack of thought, Or else a too diffuse affection, Has, for a wife in ev'ry port, An unappeasing predilection,
Would designate as “simply great!” The mode of life in Utah State. The gay Lothario, too, who makes His mad but meaningless advances
To more than one fair maid, and takes A large variety of chances, Need have no fear, in such a place, Of any breach-of-promise case.
With Mormons of the latter-day I have no slightest cause for quarrel; Nor do I doubt at all that they Are quite exceptionally moral;
Their President has told us so, And he, if anyone, should know. But tho’ of folks in Utah State, But percent lead plural lives,
Perhaps the other Are just — their children and their wives! O stern, ascetic congregation, Resisting all — except temptation!
Well, I, for one, can see no harm, Unless for trouble one were looking, In having wives on either arm, And one downstairs — to do the cooking.
A touching scene; with nought to dim it. But fifty children!— That's the limit! Some middle course would I explore; Incur a merely dual bond;
One wife, brunette, to scrub the floor, And one for outdoor use, a blonde; Thus happily could I exist, A moral Mormonogamist!
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