Altho’ my brain is sound and well, An’ mentally I've nothing wrong, They've locked me in a padded cell, An’ watches me the‘ ole day long;
‘ Ow did I get in such a fix? ‘ Twas all along o’ politics. I'd studied Joe's Protection plan, An’ thought I'd see what I could do
To benefit my fellow-man By practisin’‘ is‘ opeful view That Exports is the all in all, And Himports should be nil — or small.
So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill ( My visit ai n't improved‘ is manners ), I managed, when I left, to fill My pockets with‘ is best‘ Avannahs;
The cigarettes I left be'ind Was quite the cheapest I could find. Yet Uncle Bill‘ e could n't see That since‘ is Exports far exceeded
‘ Is Himports — thanks, o’ course, to me — That was exactly what he needed To make‘ im prosperous again; ‘ E merely said I was insane!
‘ E could n't understand, wot's more, (‘ E was a Cobdenite, an’ still is ), Why, when I traded at the door ‘ Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's,
‘ E, not the tramp,‘ ad been the gainer; And yet — could anythink be plainer? One day a foreign merchant fleet Was anchored orf a British pier;
The cargo, mostly Russian wheat, Designed for himportation‘ ere; True to my principles, that night I blew it up with dynamite.
The jury was a set o’ twelve Old fossils o’ the Asquith school; The judge was one they ought to shelve; My counsel was a bloomin’ fool;
‘ E talked o’ my‘ disordered brain,’ An’ never mentioned Chamberlain! So now they've sent me to a spot Congenial to my fiscal notions,
Which, as I need n't say, is not The same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's. But I'm not mad, I must insist: I'm merely a Protectionist!
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