A more humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist, To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist, It is my very humane endeavor To make, to some extent, Each evil liver
A running river Of harmless merriment. My object all sublime I shall achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime — The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment! All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten to four, The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies
All desire to shirk, Shall, during off hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow, Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figger, Is blacked like a nigger
With permanent walnut juice. The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window panes, We only suffer
To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains. My object all sublime I shall achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime — The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment! The advertising quack who wearier With tales of countless cures.
His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs. The music hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and “ops” By Bach, interwoven With Sophr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp whom any one catches, His doom's extremely hard — He's made to dwell In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred. And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls, On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue, And elliptical billiard balls! My object all sublime I shall achieve in time —
To let the punishment fit the crime — The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment!
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