“My First — but do n't suppose,” he said, “I'm setting you a riddle — Is — if your Victim be in bed, Do n't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle, “And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder. “And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation. “If he should say‘ How came you here?’
( The way that you began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear — ‘ On the bat's back, my little dear!’ Is the appropriate answer.
“If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions — go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure. “By day, if he should be alone — At home or on a walk — You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk. “But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder. “With this you make a kind of slide
( It answers best with suet ), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side — One soon learns how to do it.
“The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:— ‘ First burn a blue or crimson light’ ( A thing I quite forgot to-night ),
‘ Then scratch the door or walls.’” I said “You'll visit here no more, If you attempt the Guy. I'll have no bonfires on my floor —
And, as for scratching at the door, I'd like to see you try!” “The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect, To treat him with a grave respect, And not to contradict him.” “That's plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension: I only wish some Ghosts I've met Would not so constantly forget The maxim that you mention!”
“Perhaps,” he said, “you first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality. “If you address a Ghost as‘ Thing!’ Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King
To drop all formal parleying — And then you're sure to catch it! “The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing ( Unless when pardoned by the King ) Must instantly be slaughtered. “That simply means‘ be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew: The process scarcely hurts at all — Not more than when you're what you call ‘ Cut up’ by a Review.
“The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:— The King must be addressed as‘ Sir.’ This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require: “But, should you wish to do the thing With out-and-out politeness, Accost him as‘ My Goblin King!’
And always use, in answering, The phrase‘ Your Royal Whiteness!’ “I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting:
So, if you do n't object, my dear, We'll try a glass of bitter beer — I think it looks inviting.”
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