One winter night, at half-past nine, Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy, I had come home, too late to dine, And supper, with cigars and wine,
Was waiting in the study. There was a strangeness in the room, And Something white and wavy Was standing near me in the gloom -
I took it for the carpet-broom Left by that careless slavey. But presently the Thing began To shiver and to sneeze:
On which I said “Come, come, my man! That's a most inconsiderate plan. Less noise there, if you please!” “I've caught a cold,” the Thing replies,
“Out there upon the landing.” I turned to look in some surprise, And there, before my very eyes, A little Ghost was standing!
He trembled when he caught my eye, And got behind a chair. “How came you here,” I said, “and why? I never saw a thing so shy.
Come out! Do n't shiver there!” He said “I'd gladly tell you how, And also tell you why; But” ( here he gave a little bow )
“You're in so bad a temper now, You'd think it all a lie. “And as to being in a fright, Allow me to remark
That Ghosts have just as good a right In every way, to fear the light, As Men to fear the dark.” “No plea,” said I, “can well excuse
Such cowardice in you: For Ghosts can visit when they choose, Whereas we Humans ca'n' t refuse To grant the interview.”
He said “A flutter of alarm Is not unnatural, is it? I really feared you meant some harm: But, now I see that you are calm,
Let me explain my visit. “Houses are classed, I beg to state, According to the number Of Ghosts that they accommodate:
( The Tenant merely counts as WEIGHT, With Coals and other lumber ). “This is a‘ one-ghost’ house, and you When you arrived last summer,
May have remarked a Spectre who Was doing all that Ghosts can do To welcome the new-comer. “In Villas this is always done -
However cheaply rented: For, though of course there's less of fun When there is only room for one, Ghosts have to be contented.
“That Spectre left you on the Third - Since then you've not been haunted: For, as he never sent us word, ‘ Twas quite by accident we heard
That any one was wanted. “A Spectre has first choice, by right, In filling up a vacancy; Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite -
If all these fail them, they invite The nicest Ghoul that they can see. “The Spectres said the place was low, And that you kept bad wine:
So, as a Phantom had to go, And I was first, of course, you know, I could n't well decline.” “No doubt,” said I, “they settled who
Was fittest to be sent Yet still to choose a brat like you, To haunt a man of forty-two, Was no great compliment!”
“I'm not so young, Sir,” he replied, “As you might think. The fact is, In caverns by the water-side, And other places that I've tried,
I've had a lot of practice: “But I have never taken yet A strict domestic part, And in my flurry I forget
The Five Good Rules of Etiquette We have to know by heart.” My sympathies were warming fast Towards the little fellow:
He was so utterly aghast At having found a Man at last, And looked so scared and yellow. “At least,” I said, “I'm glad to find
A Ghost is not a DUMB thing! But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined ( If, like myself, you have not dined ) To take a snack of something:
“Though, certainly, you do n't appear A thing to offer FOOD to! And then I shall be glad to hear - If you will say them loud and clear -
The Rules that you allude to.” “Thanks! You shall hear them by and by. This IS a piece of luck!” “What may I offer you?” said I.
“Well, since you ARE so kind, I'll try A little bit of duck. “ONE slice! And may I ask you for Another drop of gravy?”
I sat and looked at him in awe, For certainly I never saw A thing so white and wavy. And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier - Seen in the dim and flickering light, As he proceeded to recite His “Maxims of Behaviour.”
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