It was a bruised and battered chap The victim of some dire mishap, Who sat upon a rock and spent His breath in this ungay lament:
“Some wars — I've frequent heard of such — Has beat the everlastin’ Dutch! But never fight was fit by man To equal this which has began
In our ( I'm in it, if you please ) Academy of Sciences. For there is various gents belong To it which go persistent wrong,
And loving the debates’ delight Calls one another names at sight. Their disposition, too, accords With fighting like they all was lords!
Sech impulses should be withstood: ‘ Tis scientific to be good. “‘ Twas one of them, one night last week, Rose up his figure for to speak:
‘ Please, Mr. Chair, I'm holding here A resolution which, I fear, Some ancient fossils that has bust Their cases and shook off their dust
To sit as Members here will find Unpleasant, not to say unkind.’ And then he read it every word, And silence fell on all which heard.
That resolution, wild and strange, Proposed a fundamental change, Which was that idiots no more Could join us as they had before!
“No sooner was he seated than The members rose up, to a man. Each chap was primed with a reply And tried to snatch the Chairman's eye.
They stomped and shook their fists in air, And, O, what words was uttered there! “The Chair was silent, but at last He hove up his proportions vast
And stilled them tumults with a look By which the undauntedest was shook. He smiled sarcastical and said: ‘ If Argus was the Chair, instead
Of me, he'd lack enough of eyes Each orator to recognize! And since, denied a hearing, you Might maybe undertake to do
Each other harm before you cease, I've took some steps to keep the peace: I've ordered out — alas, alas, That Science e'er to such a pass
Should come!— I've ordered out — the gas!’ “O if a tongue or pen of fire Was mine I could not tell entire What the ensuin’ actions was.
When swollered up in darkness’ jaws We fit and fit and fit and fit, And everything we felt we hit! We gouged, we scratched and we pulled hair,
And O, what words was uttered there! And when at last the day dawn came Three hundred Scientists was lame; Two hundred others could n't stand,
They'd been so careless handled, and One thousand at the very least Was spread upon the floor deceased! ‘ Twere easy to exaggerate,
But lies is things I mortal hate. “Such, friends, is the disaster sad Which has befel the Cal. Acad. And now the question is of more
Importance than it was before: Shall vacancies among us be To idiots threw open free?”
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